


Sometimes All I Really Wanna Feel Is Loved

by youretoolate999



Category: Panic! at the Disco
Genre: Drugs, M/M, hella projection lmao, pining ?, tw self harm
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-06-08
Updated: 2018-06-08
Packaged: 2019-05-19 15:18:00
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 3
Words: 617
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14876229
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/youretoolate999/pseuds/youretoolate999
Summary: Sometimes I’m angry that I feel so angry.Spencer needs him. He needs a lot of things, but he needs him especially.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry kids. This is just ,,, me coping without a therapist. or medicine. shit doesn’t work anymore. anywho. Hopefully this is okay!

Tw cut cut cut cut 

He carefully unscrewed the blade from the pencil sharpener, setting the small screw down on the counter. His hands shook, feeling like a child doing something they shouldn’t. But his mother wasn’t there to catch him. He was a l o n e. 

Shiver shiver shiver his body cold. Why don’t you see me? he wondered. He wished wished wished for someone to love. His friends were happy together. If he got with the one he loved, everything would fall apart. Jon Jon Jon Jon why did it have to be him? The easy smile, soft brown eyes, endearing lisp. Why’d it have to be him? 

The universe wouldn’t let him be happy, wanted to make him bleed. So he bled. Dragged the small blade across his pale skin. Over the stretch marks he hated. Over the skin and through the blood that rose to the surface. Beautiful, it was. Paradiddle paradiddle he need a home. His home was Jon but he was so far out of reach. But was he really? 

Drip drip drip the blood dropped down his leg and onto the tile floor. The splattering sound was nice, but made him nervous. Your mom isn’t here to get you in trouble, to be worried, he reminded himself. No one is here but you. He could clean it up whenever he wanted. The only person who controlled him was h i m s e l f.

But he’d gladly give up control to his heart’s desire. 

Even though it sounded dumb and cliche.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> filler I think

Spencer’s hands shook, so he put them under the table. Brendon and Ryan sat next to eachother on one side, him and Jon on the other. Cracked leather booth. It looked like Spencer’s leg. The flesh peeled away to reveal styrofoamy white fat layer that he loves.

“Spence, what’cha thinking about?” Jon smiled, putting an arm around the taller man’s shoulders. Spencer laughed, scratching his cheek. 

“Nothin, why?” he replied, kicking Brendon’s leg when he tried to grab Spencer’s drink.

Ryan slid his drink over the Brendon, who smiled wide and kissed Ryan on the cheek, then proceeded to chug the drink. 

Without looking down, Jon used his free hand to grab Spencer’s shaking one, lacing their fingers together. 

Jon leaned closer, his lips almost touching Spencer’s ear. He shivered as Jon whispered that they’d “talk about it later.”

Jon’s hand slid over the cuts on Spencer’s leg. He winced slightly, leaning his head into the shorter man’s shoulder. 

When Jon finally pulled his hand away from the other man’s leg, blood faintly kissed the calloused skin.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> longer/hopefully better chapter(s) soon. I promise

Spencer got him drunk Jon drunk Jon drunk JON DRUNK. The four of them were in Ryan’s apartment, all d r u n k. His head was foggy from the alcohol mixing with his pills, but he blamed it on how close he was to Jon. 

Jon’s lisp got stronger when he was like this, and the roles between him and Spencer were all messed up. Now Jon was visibly pining for the taller man, and Spencer soaked in the feeling. He wouldn’t remember most of this in the morning. Just the feeling. Warm warm warm warm

 

Vomit. He was puking his guts out, alone. Again again alone. His heart throbbed, missing the vibration and echo of Jon’s voice in the cavity of his chest. Right flam left right left flam right left which one was which? 

He thought about calling Jon or Ryan or Brendon but then they’d see. Blood dried on the tile, empty pill bottles. He was tired of hiding, even though it was hidden so easily. No one ever asks specifics. No one would find out.


End file.
